Welcome to Baron Von Sniffenpoop’s On-Slime University!

Yes, it is I, Baron Von Sniffenpoop.

No doubt you have heard of me? If not, you are either a cave-dwelling slug or you were born during one of my many adventures. Perhaps it was when I was lost and starving in uncharted territory, or still held captive by a tribe of hairless gnomes who mistook me for their deity (aka god), or hiding from my manyrabid fans as I struggled to write my biography – a record of all that I have seen and experienced in this astonishing world. There are few topics about which I know many things. There are many topics about which I know a few things. But there is nothing I don’t think I know something about. And there is almost nothing I know much about. Impressive, I know. Just ask and you will see for yourself! Among my many talents, skills, and professions, I am an occasional slime hunter. In that role, I am going to introduce you to the wonderful world of goo, glop, slime, mold, mildew, rot, and other pleasant things that grow in dark, dank places.

Click here to read my list of credentials.

Curriculum Vitae of Baron Von Sniffenpoop

  • Member of the Honorable Brotherhood of Exceptionally Gifted Smellers
  • Sole author and editor of the fifty-volume encyclopedia based on the lost alphabet, language, and culture of the Boggy Mud People (now, sadly, extinct)
  • Occasional slime hunter
  • Vampire-squid whisperer
  • Tireless sculptor of tasteless and utterly forgettable roadside attractions
  • Part-time fungus wrangler
  • Inventor and spokesperson for The Baron’s Super Dooper Coiffure Glooper, guaranteed to keep you looking slick for thirty days or your money back
  • Architect of the Sniffenpoop Principle, an approach to scientific discovery that promotes the Leap Before You Look method.
  • Recipient of and honorary PhD from Blobbenglopper University in Glopology
Five Kingdoms of Organisms

Living organisms are divided into five kingdoms:

  1. Monera (Bacteria): These single-celled organisms do not have a nucleus. Examples include blue-green algae and spirochetes.
  2. Protista: Protists are primarily single-celled organisms that have a nucleus. Examples include protozoans, algae, and slime molds.
  3. Fungi: These are typically motionless organisms that absorb nutrients for survival and reproduce using spores. Examples include molds, mushrooms, yeasts, mildews, and smuts.
  4. Plantae: Plants grow in one place. They contain chlorophyll, a green pigment required for photosynthesis, the process in which plants convert sunlight into food. Some examples include mosses, ferns, and woody and non-woody flowering plants.
  5. Animalia: Animals are multicelled organisms that have nervous systems and that eat food to survive. Examples include sponges, worms, insects, fish, amphibians, reptiles, birds, and mammals.
The Slimiest Things in the World

(rated according to the Baron Von Sniffenpoop Sliminess Scale – or BVSP Scale)

Here’s how the BVSP Scale works. The first number, 1–5, rates how slimy an item feels, 1 being the least slimy-feeling, 5 being the most slimy-feeling. The second number, 1–9, adds points for additional slime factors, such as smell, taste, or appearance. If an item measures 5.9 on the BVSP Scale, it may be considered the slimiest thing known to humankind. If an item measures 1.0 on the BVSP Scale, it is the least slimy of all slimy things known to humankind.

View list

Cuttlefish

Banana slug

Giant African snail

Slug-o-Cola

Loquat seeds

Chinese giant salamander

Toxic algae

Boiled okra

Shiokara (fermented seafood)

Raw oysters

Raw egg whites

Frog eggs

Siphonophore (e.g., Portuguese man-of-war)

A used hankie belonging to Baron Von Sniffenpoop

3.6

4.6

2.3

2.6

5.6

1.3

5.9

3.3

5.6

4.3

2.6

3.9

4.3

1.9

 
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